SAN FRANCISCO—A sudden industry push for slower AI development has left the world's most powerful tech executives with a shocking amount of free time. Leaders who once logged 80-hour workweeks coding neural networks now face the terrifying prospect of their own thoughts. The sudden slowdown, backed by prominent tech bosses, aims to curb what critics call "reckless" technological pacing. However, it has also triggered a massive existential crisis in Palo Alto.
1. Reconnecting with biological offspring
Several prominent founders are attempting to identify their own children. "I always thought my son was a high-resolution render," said one anonymous chief executive. They are currently practicing basic human interaction without using API keys or prompt engineering. A spokesperson confirmed at least three executives successfully attended a little league game this week.
2. Staring blankly at real, non-digital grass
Tech giants are now spending hours in municipal parks. They are attempting to understand physical reality. "The resolution of this lawn is incredible," remarked Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Advanced Study. Mbeki-Ransome noted that the grass has zero latency. He remains concerned that the blades of grass lack a monetization strategy.
3. Actually reading the terms of service
With slower AI development slowing down product launches, executives are finally reading their own legal agreements. The experience has reportedly horrified them. "We agreed to what?" yelled one chief technology officer before firing his entire legal department. Many are shocked to learn that they legally own several million souls in the tri-state area.
4. Building wooden birdhouses
Tech leaders are turning to physical craftsmanship. They are using actual hammers and nails. "It is like coding, but you hit your thumb and bleed," said Rusty Calhoun, retired stadium acoustician. Calhoun noted that birdhouses cannot accidentally generate deepfakes of the Pope. The birds, however, have refused to pay a monthly subscription fee.
5. Silently panicking about their own mortality
Without the constant distraction of building artificial general intelligence, the tech elite must finally face the void. They are realizing that no amount of venture capital can stop the aging process. At press time, three major startups have pivoted entirely to funding research on how to upload human consciousness into a very slow, very safe toaster.
