WARSAW—A new premium train tracking service promises former world leaders the thrill of a lifetime with custom, high-risk travel packages. The agency launched its flagship 'Guaranteed Near-Miss' route today. This service specifically caters to former politicians looking to spice up their upcoming memoirs. The company designed the route around the recent Kyiv-Warsaw railway line. This track recently saw a dramatic, highly publicized strike just minutes after VIPs departed.
1. The 'Boris Bounce' Express
This entry-level package guarantees a drone will strike the tracks within exactly twelve minutes of your departure. Customers receive a complimentary, slightly singed teacup as a souvenir. 'We target the sweet spot of political relevance,' said Sterling Vance, Chief Executive Officer of Near-Miss Rail. 'Our clients want the media attention of a narrow escape without the actual danger.'
2. The Memoir Chapter Closer
This package coordinates directly with your ghostwriter. The train tracking service monitors local airspace to ensure a dramatic explosion occurs just as you finish your third martini. This option guarantees at least three dramatic paragraphs in your upcoming autobiography. It also includes a pre-written press release expressing your deep, heroic resolve.
3. The Coalition Builder
Designed for larger groups of former diplomats, this option features a slower, armored dining car. The train tracking service schedules a series of minor, non-lethal explosions along the route. These flashes provide the perfect lighting for heroic social media photos. Lucinda Okonkwo-Bright, Director of Forward-Looking Regret at Meta, reportedly consulted on the photo-sharing logistics.
4. The Diesel Detour
This specialized route caters to politicians seeking to appease specific international donors. The train tracking service reroutes your carriage near major fuel depots. This allows passengers to record dramatic videos criticizing local energy policies. It also includes a custom safety briefing from staff dressed as worried, photogenic locals.
5. The Polish Border Pivot
The ultimate package features a dramatic, midnight crossing into Poland. This option guarantees that at least two major news networks will report you as 'recently departed' from the blast zone. It is the perfect choice for politicians looking to pivot back into domestic elections. At press time, the company announced that all seats for the upcoming autumn campaign season are already sold out to former prime ministers.
