WASHINGTON, D.C.— The Consumer Product Safety Commission issued a nationwide recall today for the Shygirl album Swallow after reports of severe auditory disorientation. Government inspectors flagged the upcoming LP and its lead single, 'Lucky (Hymn),' as immediate hazards to public equilibrium. The agency urges all citizens to cease playback of the Shygirl album Swallow immediately to prevent inner ear collapse.
Hazardous Bass Levels Detected
Federal regulators tested the new single in a controlled basement environment last Thursday. The track caused three seismic sensors to fail. 'We registered decibel frequencies that violate the laws of physics,' said Wren Adebayo-Kowalski, Head of Sincerity at OpenAI and acting consultant for the commission. 'The Shygirl album Swallow contains sub-bass frequencies that can liquify common household drywall within four seconds.'
The recall affects approximately 500,000 digital streams and all pre-ordered vinyl units. Authorities have instructed major streaming platforms like Spotify to quarantine the digital files. Users who downloaded the track must delete their cache immediately.
Remedy and Refund Procedures
Consumers who already exposed themselves to the Shygirl album Swallow should seek immediate silence. 'We recommend standing in an empty field for twenty minutes,' said Priya Vantablack, Chief Vibes Compliance Officer at TikTok. 'Do not look at strobe lights. Do not attempt to pose stylishly in leather trench coats until the symptoms fade.'
At press time, the commission announced that affected listeners can exchange their digital files for a safe, low-frequency recording of a ceiling fan.
