FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
SAN FRANCISCO—The organizers of the upcoming Anthropic IPO proudly announce a landmark $10 billion investment from a totally organic network of actual carbon-based lifeforms. This unprecedented influx of capital guarantees that the artificial intelligence market remains a thriving ecosystem of real human commerce. Our visionary leaders have built a digital future that definitely exists outside of server farms.
Synergistic Flesh-and-Bone Alliances
"We are absolutely thrilled by this monumental milestone," said Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs. "The Anthropic IPO proves that computers can successfully buy other computers using money made by computers. We expect this cycle to continue forever without any human intervention at all, which is the ultimate goal of the free market."
Critics previously claimed that the tech sector was a hall of mirrors. However, this multi-billion dollar transaction involves actual digital wire transfers. Several executive assistants even printed out the receipts on real paper. This physical paper confirms the absolute reality of the transaction.
The Future of Humanless Growth
"Our proprietary algorithms detected a deep, emotional human need for more machine-learning infrastructure," said Dr. Helen Vance, Vice President of Synthetic Enthusiasm at Anthropic. "By securing this funding, we can train our systems to write better press releases about our next funding round. The Anthropic IPO represents a triumph of the human spirit, or at least a triumph of the Python scripts that simulate it."
About Anthropic: Anthropic is a technology company dedicated to building next-generation language models that will eventually replace our entire executive board. We currently operate out of a single, highly air-conditioned server closet in Delaware. Our primary product is a sense of impending financial doom for traditional media companies.
