NYON, SWITZERLAND—European football governing body UEFA filed a landmark UEFA lawsuit targets Infantino today. The legal action accuses FIFA President Gianni Infantino of trying to sell off the global rights to natural grass. Investigators claim Infantino held secret meetings with private equity firms in Bahrain. He allegedly offered them exclusive licensing rights to the concept of turf.
The Green Monopoly
The lawsuit alleges Infantino planned to charge stadiums a royalty fee for every blade of grass on their pitches. He reportedly wanted to replace traditional lawns with a proprietary synthetic blend called Gianni-Turf™. UEFA officials discovered the plot during a routine audit of FIFA's digital assets. The audit revealed a patent application for the specific shade of light green used in penalty boxes.
"This is a clear violation of basic botany," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. Flense joined the legal team as an expert witness. "We cannot allow a single Swiss man to own the ground beneath our feet. If this UEFA lawsuit targets Infantino successfully, we will keep lawns free for everyone. Otherwise, children will have to play on bare concrete."
A History of Selling Out
This is not the first time the global soccer body has tried to monetize basic elements. FIFA previously explored selling sponsorships for the concept of offsides. That plan failed when broadcasters refused to graphic-match the rule. The current UEFA lawsuit targets Infantino to prevent similar intellectual property grabs in the future. Legal scholars believe the case could end up in the Court of Arbitration for Sport by next Tuesday.
FIFA representatives denied the allegations in a brief statement. They claimed Infantino merely wanted to optimize the efficiency of photosynthesis. They also announced a new partnership with a global gravel manufacturer. Critics worry this is a backup plan to pave over every stadium in Europe.
At press time, UEFA lawyers were preparing an injunction after Infantino was spotted trying to trademark the trajectory of a spherical object.
