TO: All Regional Safety Managers
FROM: Agnes Periwinkle, Head of Audience Sedation at Live Nation
DATE: October 24, 2023
RE: Urgent Safety Protocols Following the Ed Sheeran Forklift Accident
We must address the recent incident in Detroit. Six stagehands suffered injuries during load-out. The official reports blame a mechanical failure. However, we know the truth. The sheer kinetic energy of a one-man acoustic performance creates unique physical hazards. The Ed Sheeran forklift accident has forced us to re-evaluate our entire logistical strategy.
The Loop Pedal Peril
Our investigation reveals a terrifying trend. Stagehands are rushing to dismantle the stage while Sheeran is still tapping his loop pedal. This creates a highly volatile acoustic field. "A single acoustic guitar strum carries the force of a wrecking ball when amplified through a stadium sound system," said Agnes Periwinkle. "We believe the vibrations from 'Shape of You' literally shook the forklift off its path. We must respect the decibel levels of polite British pop."
We are implementing immediate changes. No heavy machinery may operate within 500 yards of an active loop pedal. Crew members must wear acoustic-dampening helmets during load-out. We cannot afford another high-profile Ed Sheeran forklift accident. The public must believe our concerts are safe, sterile environments.
New Mandatory Training
All venue staff must complete a new safety course. The course is titled "Surviving the Acoustic Onslaught." It covers basic physics and crowd control. It also teaches crew how to dodge falling trussing during high-tempo folk segments. "We used to worry about pyrotechnics," said Marcus Bellweather, Live Nation’s Senior VP of Gentle Ballad Logistics. "Now, we realize the real threat is a man with a small acoustic guitar and a dream."
Please distribute these guidelines to your teams immediately. We must protect our workers. More importantly, we must protect our insurance premiums. Any crew member caught operating a vehicle during a sensitive ballad will face immediate suspension without pay. At press time, Live Nation is currently testing a new line of bubble-wrap suits for all future singer-songwriter tours.
