WASHINGTON—A federal antitrust court convened Tuesday to determine if the new Emma Ruth Rundle single has officially established an illegal monopoly over the global distribution of musical bleakness. The Department of Justice launched the probe following the release of "God’s Picture," a track so heavy it reportedly collapsed three local indie record stores into localized black holes. Prosecutors argue that the singer-songwriter has cornered the market on doomed atmospheric folk, leaving zero room for competitors to lament the void.
Q: State your name and occupation for the record, please.
A: I am Emma Ruth Rundle, and I write songs that make people stare at water-damaged ceilings.
Q: Ms. Rundle, the prosecution alleges that your new Emma Ruth Rundle single, "God’s Picture," contains 800% of the daily recommended allowance of existential ash. Is this true?
A: The song is about God burning the world to white ash. I did not realize the federal government regulated the temperature of holy ruin.
Q: Let the record show the witness is wearing three cloaks. Ms. Rundle, did you or did you not conspire with Sargent House records to systematically buy up all the minor chords on the East Coast?
A: We did. But only because Chelsea Wolfe was not using them that week.
Q: And what of your upcoming album on Sacred Bones Records, These Killing Times? Our economists estimate it will drive the price of black turtlenecks up by 400%.
A: I cannot control the market forces of grief. If the public wants to drown in my new Emma Ruth Rundle single, who am I to offer them a life jacket?
Q: Indeed. But you also wrote "Powerless" and "Enough." You are hoarding the misery. You have left the rest of the music industry with nothing but major scales and Pepsi commercials.
A: Agnes Periwinkle, Head of Audience Sedation at Live Nation, told me herself that if we do not numb them with the dark folk, they might start questioning the ticket processing fees. We had to do it. The whole industry runs on the darkness now.
At press time, the judge dismissed the case after listening to the track's outro and immediately dissolving into a puddle of dark, shimmering liquid.