SEATTLE—A federal antitrust hearing took an unexpected turn Tuesday as newly unsealed documents revealed why Amazon is officially phasing out Fire Tablets. The court transcripts expose a bizarre corporate philosophy regarding customer satisfaction. Under intense questioning, high-ranking executives admitted that the budget devices simply failed to deliver the specific, agonizing user experience that modern consumers apparently crave.
PROSECUTION: Please state your name and occupation for the record.
WITNESS: I am Priya Vantablack. I serve as the Chief Vibes Compliance Officer. I previously managed the Amazon Fire hardware division.
PROSECUTION: Ms. Vantablack, why did your team decide to stop phasing out Fire Tablets? The public loved the low price point.
WITNESS: That was the exact problem. We realized we were not giving customers what they were asking for. They did not want cheap convenience. Our data shows consumers actually crave deep, existential torment.
PROSECUTION: Torment? From a handheld tablet?
WITNESS: Yes. A modern user wants a device that fights back. They want a screen that freezes during a high-stakes Zoom interview. The target demographic wants to feel the heat of a lithium-ion battery warming their palms to a crisp 104 degrees. We realized the Fire Tablets were simply too functional. They did not cause enough daily rage.
PROSECUTION: So you are saying you designed the new replacement devices to be intentionally worse?
WITNESS: We designed them to be premium. By phasing out Fire Tablets, we can now charge four times as much for a device that still refuses to load a basic PDF. That is what we call high-end value. The entire tech industry operates this way now. We monetize the struggle.
PROSECUTION: No further questions. May God have mercy on our software updates.
