WASHINGTON—Federal Reserve Chairman Kevin Warsh shocked global markets on Thursday by choosing to fight inflation with an experimental tactic: speaking in a barely audible whisper. The central banker refused to use his microphone during his highly anticipated policy address. Instead, he leaned in closely to the podium and made soft, rhythmic shushing sounds at reporters.
The Shush Method
The unusual strategy sent shockwaves through Wall Street within minutes. Major stock indexes plunged as traders struggled to hear if interest rates would rise or fall. Warsh believes that loud noises excite the money supply. He argues that a quieter central bank will naturally calm down the hyperactive consumer market.
"The dollar needs a nap," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "We spent trillions of dollars shouting about the economy. Now, we must whisper it back to sleep. If we speak too loudly, the prices of milk and gasoline will startle. They will jump another five percent."
Quiet Contraction
The Federal Reserve staff also wore soft velvet slippers during the press conference. They prohibited the clicking of pens. Warsh spent ten minutes gently blowing into a microphone to simulate a calming ocean breeze. He then gestured for the press corps to lay down on the carpet.
"I could not hear a single economic projection," said Janet Holloway, Chief Market Strategist at Vanguard. "But the gentle hum of his voice made me feel very safe. I immediately sold all my tech stocks and bought a weighted blanket."
At press time, Warsh was seen tucking the consumer price index into a tiny, velvet-lined crib.