WASHINGTON—Today, banking officials confirmed that mortgage rates hit their highest levels in a millennium, rendering homeownership impossible for any organism with a pulse. The sudden spike aims to stabilize the volatile suburban housing market by limiting buyers to ethereal spirits. Financial institutions praised the shift as a victory for long-term fiscal stability.
A Hauntingly Stable Market
“We noticed a trend where living humans kept defaulting on payments due to biological needs like food,” said Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs. Quill noted that ghosts require zero caloric intake. This makes them the ideal demographic for the new 300 percent mortgage rates. “An apparition doesn't care about inflation. They just want a drafty Victorian attic to hover in for eternity,” Quill added.
The hike follows months of steady increases by the Federal Reserve to curb persistent economic growth. Under the new guidelines, traditional home buyers must provide proof of death before starting the pre-approval process.
The Dead Have Excellent Credit
“We are thrilled to welcome our new spectral clients,” said Janet Holloway, Deputy Director of the Bureau of Things That Shouldn't Exist. Holloway confirmed that ectoplasmic entities rarely miss a payment. “Their credit histories go back to the Revolutionary War. That makes them incredibly low-risk borrowers,” she explained. Realtors nationwide have already begun staging properties with cold spots and rattling chains to attract the new demographic.
At press time, several prominent lenders reported record profits after successfully foreclosing on a family of four who temporarily lost their pulses during a scary movie.