WASHINGTON—The Consumer Product Safety Commission announced a nationwide recall today of all Stella Lefty songs due to severe, unlicensed plagiarism hazards that pose an immediate risk of intellectual property theft to consumers. Federal inspectors discovered that the country-folk-pop singer's debut album contains high levels of pre-existing music. The agency warns that listening to these tracks may cause sudden feelings of intense musical deja vu.
Severe Plagiarism Hazard Detected
Government officials initiated the recall after researchers analyzed Lefty's breakout hit 'Boston' and found it contained up to 90% recycled material from Noah Kahan. The singer previously granted Kahan retroactive writing credit after intense public scrutiny. However, regulators now say the structural integrity of the entire album has failed. The hazard extends to three other tracks on the record.
"We found dangerous levels of Olivia Rodrigo and Mumford & Sons in the acoustic guitar stems," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "Consumers believe they are purchasing original Stella Lefty songs, but they are actually taking home unlicensed, reconstructed versions of older Billboard hits. This is a class-one cultural defect."
Affected Units and Remedy
The recall affects all digital streams, vinyl pressings, and radio broadcasts of the self-titled album. The agency advises music listeners to immediately stop streaming the tracks. They should delete any downloaded files from their devices to prevent cognitive confusion. Spotify and Apple Music have already begun the process of purging the contaminated audio files from their active servers.
"We are working with federal authorities to replace the defective tracks with silent white noise," said Marcus Bellweather, Spotify's Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence. "This is the safest alternative for our listeners."
At press time, the commission is investigating reports that Lefty's upcoming sophomore single is just a slowed-down version of the national anthem played on an out-of-tune banjo.
