WASHINGTON—The Consumer Product Safety Commission issued an urgent recall notice today for the federal government shutdown prevention bill. The emergency legislation, passed by Congress to keep agencies running, reportedly poses a severe risk of sudden, unexpected stability to the American public.
Hazard Warning
According to federal regulators, the government shutdown prevention bill contains a major design flaw. Under normal conditions, Congress produces gridlock and anxiety. However, this specific stopgap measure mistakenly allows vital services to continue operating. This rare occurrence threatens to confuse voters who rely on regular federal chaos for emotional calibration.
"We detected dangerous levels of basic functionality in the bill," said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected. "If citizens realize that the United_States_federal_government can function without constant near-death experiences, it could permanently damage the political ecosystem."
Affected Units
The recall affects all units of the stopgap funding measure passed before the upcoming election season. Affected citizens may experience symptoms of mild relief, decreased blood pressure, and a temporary suspension of existential dread. Regulators warn that these symptoms are unnatural and highly addictive.
"We advise all citizens to immediately stop expecting things to work," said Marcus Vance, Deputy Director of the Bureau of Legislative Defect Control. "This government shutdown prevention bill was never meant to inspire hope. We are working to restore the standard, stressful baseline as quickly as possible."
Remedy and Action Plan
The government shutdown prevention bill will be replaced by a series of highly toxic partisan arguments. Consumers do not need to return the bill physically. Instead, they should watch cable news until the feeling of security completely fades. Legislators have already promised to introduce a fresh crisis by mid-winter to restore the natural order.
