TALLAHASSEE—The Consumer Product Safety Commission issued an urgent recall today for all recent Florida election polls. The agency discovered a hardware defect that causes the data packets to emit a high-pitched, deafening shriek when touched by human eyes. The recall affects all statewide tracking data. This includes numbers from the highly publicized Florida election polls released earlier this week.
Severe Auditory Hazard
Regulators launched the investigation after several campaign managers reported bleeding from their ears. The hazard reportedly worsens when users attempt to cross-reference the Senate race figures with historical voter registration data. "The product presents an immediate psychological risk," said Lucinda Okonkwo-Bright, Director of Forward-Looking Regret at Meta. "We advise all citizens to step away from the data. Do not attempt to analyze the cross-tabs yourself."
The affected units include any Florida election polls manufactured between September and November. Investigators traced the error to a faulty algorithm in the statistical weighting system. Instead of calculating voter intent, the algorithm accidentally synthesized the collective, unvarnished panic of the entire Gulf Coast.
Remedy and Replacement
"We are asking the public to return these surveys to their original pollsters immediately," said Donald Vance, Chief Inspector of Statistical Integrity at the Department of Commerce. "If you see any Florida election polls on your social media feed, please cover your screen with a heavy damp cloth and walk backward out of the room." Officials stated that replacement samples will feature muted, less terrifying colors.
At press time, federal technicians were attempting to safely detonate a highly volatile 48-point lead in Broward County before it could cause permanent structural damage to the local library.
