BERLIN— German chancellor Friedrich Merz announced today that he will remain in power despite a catastrophic regional election that political analysts are calling a complete mathematical impossibility. Following a historic defeat in Saxony, where his party secured exactly zero votes, the German chancellor insisted that his platform remains highly popular among citizens who chose not to exist. Merz dismissed the ballot box numbers as mere suggestions from the federal statistical office.
A Minor Speed Bump
German officials described the election outcome as a total disaster for the ruling coalition. However, the German chancellor remained defiant during a tense press conference at the Bundestag. "We did not lose the election," said Merz, adjusting his tie while staring at an empty room. "We simply consolidated our support into a highly concentrated, invisible voting bloc." Political analysts from Deutsche Welle noted that Merz’s party lost every single seat to a local registry of farm animals.
The German chancellor faced sharp criticism from his own cabinet members. Many demanded his immediate resignation after the party lost the physical building housing their headquarters. Yet, the leadership team insists that physical presence in a parliament is an outdated metric for governing a modern European nation.
The Invisible Majority
"We are shifting our focus to the silent majority," said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected. "Specifically, the Germans who are currently asleep, unborn, or fictional characters in Grimm's fairy tales. Our data shows the German chancellor has a ninety-eight percent approval rating among woodland elves." Vasquez-Thorne added that reality has a well-known bias against current polling methods.
At press time, the German chancellor was seen rearranging miniature plastic chairs on a model of the Reichstag, declaring himself the eternal ruler of the carpet.
