TO: All Federal Chancellery Staff
FROM: Office of Chancellor Olaf Scholz
RE: Strict Guidelines on Crying following regional elections
BERLIN— In light of recent regional election results, Germany's leader has issued strict guidelines on crying inside federal buildings. We must project absolute stability. Staff members will no longer weep in open hallways. This policy aims to reduce visible panic. It also aims to keep the carpets dry. Our coalition remains firm despite the electoral setback.
Shedding Tears Off-Premises
"We must channel our inner stoics," said Marcus Bellweather, Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence at Spotify, who currently consults for the German cabinet. "Our data shows that soft, ambient whimpering in the supply closets decreases administrative output by twelve percent. We need uptempo courage. If you must sob, please do so into your coats on the subway ride home."
Staff must report any unauthorized trembling. The Chancellor will view visible shaking as a direct breach of protocol. The human resources department has established designated quiet zones. However, these zones are only for hyperventilating. No liquid tears may leave the eyes.
Authorized Grimacing Only
"I found three bureaucrats weeping behind the copier yesterday," said Agnes Periwinkle, Head of Audience Sedation at Live Nation, who is advising the government on crisis management. "I told them that Germany's leader expects stoic grimacing at most. Tears belong in the private sector. We have a nation to run, or at least a nation to pretend we are running."
The government has redirected emergency funding to purchase fast-acting eye drops. These drops dry out tear ducts instantly. Any staff member caught looking sad will face immediate reassignment to the agricultural committee.
We must remind the public that we are in complete control. We are not afraid of the far-right surge. We are merely experiencing a temporary, highly localized moisture surplus on our faces. Please delete this memo after reading to ensure the opposition does not realize we are currently huddled under our desks.
