FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
BERLIN— The German Chancellery announced today that the nation has successfully replaced its symbolic political firewall with an actual, physical firewall composed of burning kerosene and repurposed theatrical sparklers. Officials took this drastic action after the far-right Alternative for Germany party secured historic gains in local elections. The newly physicalized political firewall now encircles the federal parliament building in a continuous ring of thirty-foot-high flames.
A Bold Technical Upgrade
"We realized our metaphorical defenses lacked actual heat," said Hans-Dieter Brand, Deputy Minister of Literal Metaphors at the Federal Chancellery. "The old political firewall relied on norms and mutual respect. This new political firewall relies on high-grade jet fuel and wind-resistant pilot lights. We believe this is a much more robust containment strategy for democracy." Brand confirmed that several opposition lawmakers tried to cross the line and suffered minor singeing to their polyester suits.
The government rushed the installation following the election results in Saxony-Anhalt. Citizens can view the roaring blaze from several miles away. Security forces are currently tossing extra wooden pallets onto the political firewall to keep the flames high before the winter legislative session begins.
About the German Federal Chancellery
The Federal Chancellery coordinates government policy and maintains national safety. Our mission is to defend democratic institutions through heavy-duty industrial heating equipment. Please note that while the political firewall is highly effective at blocking physical entry, it does not prevent the transmission of radio waves, internet propaganda, or basic electoral mathematics. The Chancellery accepts no liability for smoke inhalation suffered by nearby voters.
