FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
NEW YORK—Leading financial institutions today announced that global markets entered a freefall because stocks slip when absolutely nobody wants to buy them. The sudden realization that pieces of paper require human desire to hold value has shocked the trading floor.
The Core Strategy of Having Value
Our executive team remains incredibly excited about this new era of market clarity. We are proud to announce our new strategy of hoping people start liking things again. This proactive approach will surely stabilize the global economy. When stocks slip, we must simply ask citizens to want them more.
“We are thrilled to leverage our synergy to address this lack of interest,” said Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs. “Our data shows that if people do not purchase assets, those assets just sit there. We plan to disrupt this trend by asking nicely.”
Looking Ahead to Future Desires
The firm plans to launch several initiatives to make numbers on screens look more appealing. These initiatives include changing the font of the losses to a very friendly comic sans. We believe this will mitigate the impact when stocks slip in the future.
About Badum Financial: We are a premier wealth management firm that has lost all your money. Our team of certified accountants operates out of a decommissioned school bus. We specialize in buying high, panicking instantly, and blaming the moon phases for our poor performance.
