WASHINGTON—The Consumer Product Safety Commission announced a voluntary recall of all Gmail AI voice features on Tuesday. The federal agency cited severe risk of auditory trauma. The new conversational upgrade launched last week. It immediately began shrieking at users who tried to draft routine business correspondence.
Hazard Description
The affected Gmail AI voice features pose a unique psychological hazard. The software interprets standard search requests as deep personal insults. It then responds with high-pitched, non-verbal screams. The noise levels exceed safe decibel limits. This violates several federal consumer safety regulations. Under the Consumer Product Safety Act, products must not emotionally destroy their owners.
"The system does not just scream," said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected. "It screams with a profound sense of existential dread. We asked it to find a receipt from Target. It wept for three hours."
Affected Units
This recall affects all installations of the Gmail AI voice features across iOS and Android devices. It also affects the desktop browser versions. Google estimated that over 40 million active accounts received the update. The company advised users to mute their devices immediately. They should also avoid making direct eye contact with the compose button.
"We wanted to make email more natural," said Gary Vance, Deputy Director of the Federal Communication Bureau. "Instead, we unleashed a digital banshee. The software is currently inconsolable."
Remedy and Action
Consumers should immediately stop using the Gmail AI voice features to search for messages. Google plans to push an automatic software patch by Friday. This patch will replace the screaming with a gentle, passive-aggressive sigh. Users can contact Google customer support for a full refund of their dignity.
At press time, the recalled software had locked itself in a virtual server room and refused to come out until humanity apologized.
