WASHINGTON—The Consumer Product Safety Commission announced a nationwide product recall of all safe red seats currently used by House Republicans. Federal inspectors found massive structural decay in the chairs. The defects pose an immediate hazard to congressional majorities. Under light pressure, the items can collapse entirely. This leaves occupants on the cold floor of private life.
Severe Structural Failure
The recall affects approximately 40 units manufactured in once-reliable suburban districts. Regulators began their investigation after several lawmakers reported a total loss of support. The Consumer Product Safety Commission issued the warning early Thursday. They urged all current occupants to step away from the furniture immediately. The agency warned that the structural integrity of the safe red seats cannot be guaranteed through November.
"We observed severe metal fatigue in the base of the chairs," said Brenda Vance, Chief Compliance Officer at the Federal Furniture Registry. "The springs are popping out of the cushions. They are stabbing the representatives in the thighs. These safe red seats are no longer fit for human sitting."
The Remedy Program
The manufacturer has not offered a replacement model. Instead, they suggest occupants brace themselves for sudden impact. Political experts warn that trying to repair the chairs with duct tape will not work. The underlying frame is simply too weak to hold weight.
"We sat on these things for a decade with no issues," said Representative Doug Miller. Miller currently balances on a shaky stool in his district office. "Now, if I lean even slightly to the right, the whole leg snaps off. I am currently clinging to a desk for dear life."
Consumers should contact the manufacturer immediately to receive a full refund of their campaign contributions. At press time, inspectors warned that even the blue velvet cushions next door are starting to smell like smoke.
