WASHINGTON—A federal antitrust hearing took a bizarre turn yesterday during a probe into the distribution of the new art-pop single Haute & Freddy Touch Touch. The Department of Justice accused major record labels of operating a secret, centralized syndicate that artificially inflates the catchiness of independent releases. Under oath, industry insiders admitted that the hook for the track was engineered in an underground Swiss facility to guarantee maximum dopamine release in listeners.
Q: State your name and occupation for the record, please.
A: My name is Gordon Flense, and I am the Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before.
Q: Mr. Flense, did your office oversee the frequency modulation on the new single Haute & Freddy Touch Touch?
A: Oversee is a strong word. We merely calibrated the synth bass to vibrate at the exact frequency that makes human beings buy concert tickets. We do this for all major Stereogum-approved artists. It is standard industry practice.
Q: So you admit that Haute & Freddy Touch Touch contains a chemically addictive chorus?
A: Of course it does. If we let independent duos write their own hooks without government-grade sugar, the entire economy of synth-pop would collapse. We cannot have citizens humming unauthorized melodies.
Q: Who else is involved in this cartel?
A: Everyone. We buy our bridges from Swedish mathematicians. We source our hi-hats from a secure military bunker. If the public found out how we manufactured the key change in 'Touch Touch,' there would be riots in the streets. We had to silence three music theorists just to get the song on Spotify.
