PORTLAND—Local authorities issued a voluntary evacuation order today after the new song by How Strange It Is, titled Holladay Park, caused seismic anomalies across the Pacific Northwest. The track features a chorus so heavy that it registered on regional seismographs. Geologists warn that repeated plays of the song could permanently alter the city's topography.
1. The Bass Line Shifts Tectonic Plates
The song starts quietly, mimicking a peaceful afternoon in a real Oregon green space. However, the sudden entry of the distortion pedal triggered a minor landslide near Mount Hood. "We noticed a distinct spike in crustal movement right around the one-minute mark," said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected.
2. Local Records Stores Install Rebar
To prepare for the physical release of the parent album on Sub Pop style indie channels, shops are reinforcing their shelves. Clerks now wear hard hats when stocking the vinyl section. One store owner reported that the opening riff of "Holladay Park" shattered three vintage lava lamps.
3. Local Dogs Predicted the Chorus
Canines within a five-mile radius of the band's practice space began howling minutes before the band plugged in. Experts believe animals can sense the impending low-end frequencies of "Holladay Park" before humans hear them. Neighbors initially mistook the noise for a fleet of low-flying cargo planes.
4. Portland Hipsters Forced to Hold Railings
The sudden sonic drop forced cool local youths to abandon their hands-in-pockets stances. Many had to grab nearby streetlights to remain upright during the song's climax. This marks the first time Portland residents have looked up from their phones since 2012.
5. The United States Geological Survey Issued a Patch
Government scientists updated their earthquake warning app to include a specific alert for indie rock crescendos. Users will now receive a push notification reading: "Please step away from tall bookshelves, How Strange It Is just hit their distortion pedals."
