FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
MALIBU, CA—The Department of Coastal Illusion announced today a major security breakthrough. A Malibu trespasser breached the perimeter of the vice-presidential residence this morning. However, the intruder discovered only a series of highly detailed cardboard cutouts. The incident occurred at the oceanfront estate of Vice President Kamala Harris and Second Gentleman Doug Emhoff.
The Illusion of Luxury
Local law enforcement quickly apprehended the suspect. Before his arrest, the Malibu trespasser wandered through a two-dimensional kitchen. He reportedly tried to open a refrigerator that was merely a high-resolution printout. "We are thrilled with how real the props looked," said Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs. "The market for fake political real estate remains incredibly strong and highly cost-effective." The estate looks authentic from Malibu coastal highways but lacks depth.
Secret Service agents confirmed that the entire structure stands on wooden kickstands. Sandbags keep the ocean breeze from blowing the residence into the Pacific. The Malibu trespasser allegedly tripped over a support beam behind the master bedroom facade. Investigators found no actual plumbing or electricity on the premises.
A Statement of Absolute Nothingness
"Our commitment to securing empty, flat spaces remains our highest priority," said Deputy Director of Flat Dynamics Cheryl Vance. "We will continue to deploy advanced paperboard technologies to deter future intruders. This incident proves that our cardboard deterrents are both visually stunning and highly secure." Critics argue that the cardboard home represents a waste of taxpayers' paper pulp.
ABOUT THE DEPARTMENT OF COASTAL ILLUSION: Founded in 2021, the Department of Coastal Illusion specializes in building cheap, flat structures for public officials. We actively deceive the public while pocketing millions in federal real estate grants. Our offices are located in a tent behind a real estate billboard.
