WASHINGTON—The U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency debuted a brand-new dartboard deportation system this week. Officials said the innovative tool will streamline controversial third-country deportations by letting gravity decide where migrants go.
A Random Spin
Under the new policy, agents spin a massive, wall-sized map of the world. They then throw a single brass dart while blindfolded. Wherever the dart lands becomes the new home for the deportee, regardless of their actual country of origin.
"We needed a faster way to process people," said Ronald Vance, Deputy Director of the Bureau of Bureaucratic Efficiency. "Our old system took months of legal review. Now, we just throw a dart. If an Afghan national lands on Madagascar, we pack their bags. It is incredibly efficient."
Precision Logistics
Advocacy groups criticized the third-country deportations program for its lack of logic. However, agency leadership defended the precision of the new sporting equipment. They noted that the darts feature professional-grade nylon flights for stable trajectory.
"We bought a very nice board from a local pub," Vance added. "It has brass wiring to prevent bounce-outs. Sometimes the dart lands in the ocean. In those cases, we just throw again. We are not monsters."
At press time, the agency was shopping for a larger dartboard to accommodate a brand-new policy on domestic tax audits.