WASHINGTON—The Consumer Product Safety Commission issued an urgent recall notice today for all newly launched iPhone 18 Pros following reports of severe quantum instability during basic operation. Regulators warned consumers to power down the devices immediately. The hazard involves the phone's new hyper-dense processor, which appears to physically tear the fabric of local spacetime during high-CPU tasks.
Spontaneous Dimensional Shifting
According to federal investigators, affected units of the iPhone 18 Pros can spontaneously phase out of the visible spectrum. This occurs most frequently when users attempt to open more than three browser tabs. "We received a report of a user in Ohio whose phone simply turned into a cold, humming block of obsidian," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. Flense noted that the CPSC has already logged over 400 instances of the flagship device clipping through solid wooden tables.
The recall affects approximately 1.2 million units shipped during the initial launch week. Tech analysts noted that earlier models, while expensive, did not pose a threat to the linear flow of time. Apple has paused all sales of the iPhone 18 Pros until a software patch can stabilize the device's atomic bonds.
The Official Remedy
To resolve the issue, regulators advise owners to wrap their iPhone 18 Pros in heavy-duty aluminum foil. They should then bury the device in at least three feet of dry sand. "We are working closely with Apple to distribute lead-lined return envelopes," said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected. Vasquez-Thorne urged consumers not to look directly into the camera lens if the device begins to whisper in ancient Aramaic.
At press time, several frustrated users refused to return their iPhone 18 Pros, stating that the ability to take selfies in the year 2084 outweighed the risk of permanent molecular dispersal.
