FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
LONDON—The British Ministry of Late-Night Loitering announced a nationwide lockdown on dancefloors following the release of the new Jam City single, Jam City 2am. Officials determined that the track, which features London singer-songwriter Gianna, possesses a groove so dangerously sleek it violates local noise-mitigation laws. Authorities worry citizens will refuse to go home.
A Threat to Sleep Cycles
The government issued a cease-and-desist letter to the producer, also known as Jack Latham. The document orders him to cease distributing the Jam City 2am track before midnight. "We cannot govern a metropolis where everyone is swaying in a cool, detached manner past 1:59 AM," stated Sir Reginald Plinth, Chief Commissioner of British Bedtimes. "This song provides a blueprint for stylish insomniacs."
The department launched an emergency initiative to replace the track on streaming services with the sound of a dial-up modem to encourage people to sleep.
The Executive Response
Industry leaders expressed immediate, empty enthusiasm for the official ban. "We are thrilled to align our brand synergy with governmental overreach," said Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs. "The market for Jam City 2am remains incredibly robust. However, we must prioritize the physical exhaustion of our consumer base to ensure steady mattress sales."
About Jam City
Jam City is a London-based electronic producer who specializes in making music that sounds like a wet leather jacket sliding down a chrome handrail. His upcoming album My World promises to ruin several more municipal sleep schedules. The project features artists who have never once seen the sun, making it highly dangerous for daytime consumption. The label accepts no liability for any dry-cleaning bills incurred while listening.
