TO: All Staff, Sacred Bones Records
FROM: Caleb Braithwaite, Executive Director of Avian Compliance
RE: Delivery requirements for the upcoming Jim Jarmusch album
BROOKLYN—We must expedite the release of the upcoming Jim Jarmusch album, Bocca di Lupo. The giant talking crow that lives in our attic demanded it. The bird spoke in a low, gravelly voice yesterday morning. It threatened to curse our entire vinyl distribution warehouse if we do not deliver. We must satisfy this beast immediately.
The Crow Demands Lute Solos
Our creative team originally planned a standard promotional rollout for this Jim Jarmusch album. However, the crow rejected our digital marketing plan. The bird specifically requested Dutch lutenist Jozef Van Wissem to provide dark, hypnotic melodies. It also demanded a guest appearance by Australian indie icon Courtney Barnett to balance the dread.
"The bird was very specific about the tracklist," said Alistair Vance, Head of Gothic Logistics at the label. "It stared into my soul and croaked the words 'Never Like You Said' three times. We immediately cleared the budget. Nobody wants to find out what happens if we disappoint a magical, multi-dimensional crow."
New Operational Guidelines
Effective immediately, all employees must wear black trench coats. We must keep the office lights dim. Avoid making direct eye contact with the ceiling tiles. If you hear lute music drifting from the ventilation shafts, do not panic. It means the Jim Jarmusch album is successfully soothing the beast.
We expect this double LP to ship by autumn. Please direct all press inquiries to the bird. Do not mention the curse to our distributors. We thank you for your compliance during this dark transition.
Sincerely,
Caleb Braithwaite
Dictated but not read, because the crow is currently nesting on my keyboard.
