TO: All Matador Records Staff
FROM: Gary Vance, Director of Emotional Compliance
RE: Actionable Sorrow Metrics for Julien Baker Album Cycle
MEMO— As Julien Baker teases LP4, this department must prepare for unprecedented levels of public despair. We expect the singer-songwriter to officially announce her fourth solo record soon. Therefore, we are implementing immediate, mandatory crying hours for all tri-state employees. Your active participation secures our market dominance in the indie-rock grieving sector.
Sorrow Optimization Protocol
Our team must align with the artist's legendary emotional resonance. Effective today, the third-floor breakroom will stock only lukewarm black coffee and expired visual journals. We have disabled the office thermostat. We will lock the indoor temperature at a damp fifty-four degrees Fahrenheit until the album drops. "Our preliminary projections show a thirty percent spike in tear duct activity," said Marcus Bellweather, Spotify's Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence. "If staff members are not actively weeping by the copier, we cannot expect consumers to stream the lead single on their kitchen floors."
We must build intense local momentum as Julien Baker teases LP4. To facilitate this, we have scheduled an unannounced popup show in Nashville. Staff will distribute complimentary wet wool blankets to the first fifty attendees. Do not smile during this promotion. Smiles violate our core branding guidelines for this fiscal quarter.
Ancillary Sadness Deliverables
We are also tracking Baker's collaborative efforts to maximize our audience reach. Her recent appearances with boygenius partners and Turnstile have primed the market for premium melancholy. Do not let this momentum go to waste. If you see an employee laughing, report them to human resources immediately.
The goal is clear. We must ensure the public feels entirely hollow inside by Friday afternoon. Thank you for your continued dedication to monetizing human vulnerability.
At press time, the legal department confirmed that employees who do not produce at least three ounces of genuine tears during the Nashville popup will forfeit their dental benefits.
