WASHINGTON—A congressional hearing into federal infrastructure took a dramatic turn Tuesday as a court transcript revealed that the national performing arts industry depends entirely on adhesive tape to remain standing. The inquiry followed a high-profile incident where a piece of the John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts ceiling collapsed during a rainstorm. Lawmakers pressed industry experts on why the nation's premier cultural institutions seem to be physically disintegrating. The resulting court transcript paints a terrifying picture of backstage maintenance across the United States.
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: Mr. Calhoun, you are the founder of Dads Against Bass and a retired stadium acoustician. Can you explain why a piece of the ceiling fell?
RUSTY CALHOUN: Well, the humidity compromised the structural integrity of the duct tape. We usually use Gorilla Tape for the main lobbies, but the performing arts industry ran out of budget in 2018.
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: Are you telling this committee that the nation's premier opera houses rely on consumer adhesives?
RUSTY CALHOUN: It is not just the Kennedy Center. The Metropolitan Opera is currently held together by three rolls of industrial mounting tape and a prayer. If someone sings a high C, the east wing shifts two inches.
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: This is madness. What about the physical stages themselves?
RUSTY CALHOUN: Do not look under the stage at any major venue. It is just stacks of old phone books and hot glue. We had to use chewed Hubba Bubba to stabilize a cello section last winter. If the public knew how much Velcro was holding up the Broadway district, they would wear helmets to every musical.
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: Is there any venue in this country that is actually structurally sound?
RUSTY CALHOUN: No. The entire performing arts industry is three humid days away from becoming a pile of rubble. We just keep painting over the cracks and hoping the bassoonists do not play too loud.
At press time, the House committee immediately voted to resolve the crisis by allocating three cases of heavy-duty Elmer's glue to the Smithsonian.
