FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
MOSCOW— The Central Election Commission of the Russian Federation proudly announces its latest democratic innovation. Officials have placed thousands of Kremlin veterans on the ballot for this weekend’s parliamentary elections. This unprecedented move ensures that voters have access to candidates who already know how to take orders without asking questions. To celebrate, the government is launching the 'Vote and Win' sweepstakes. Prizes include high-quality cooking oil and a chance to meet a real, live candidate.
A Seamless Transition to Civilian Leadership
"We are thrilled to bring these battle-tested heroes into the legislative arena," said Dmitry Smirnov, Deputy Chairperson of the Committee for Democratic Optimization. Smirnov noted that having Kremlin veterans on the ballot simplifies the entire voting process. "These men do not require expensive campaign offices. They already live in barracks. They do not need complex policy platforms. Their platform is obedience. We expect a turnout of 114 percent in most districts." Smirnov's optimism mirrors recent reports from Reuters regarding high voter participation.
The initiative aims to streamline the legislative branch by replacing career politicians with men who possess highly developed muscle memory for pressing the "Yes" button. Officials confirmed that all military candidates passed rigorous psychological screening. This screening ensured they possess no independent thoughts regarding foreign policy or municipal budgeting.
Unmatched Incentives for Civic Duty
Critics initially questioned whether placing so many Kremlin veterans on the ballot would suppress voter enthusiasm. To counter this, the state is distributing electronic raffle tickets to anyone who submits an approved digital ballot. "I voted for a man who hasn't spoken aloud since 2014," said local voter Ivan Petrov. "The machine gave me a coupon for a free loaf of rye bread. This is the most rewarding election of my life." According to the Central Election Commission, over nine million citizens have already claimed their digital bread vouchers.
About the Central Election Commission
The Central Election Commission of the Russian Federation is a totally independent body. We dedicate ourselves to the illusion of choice. We operate out of a windowless basement in Moscow. Our primary goal is to ensure that every election result matches the spreadsheet we generated three months ago. We do not accept bribes, except in the form of direct orders from the presidential palace. Our motto is: 'Your Vote is Our Secret.'
