TO: All Staff
FROM: Office of Depressive Synergy, Interscope Records
RE: Action Plan as Lana Del Rey Teases Zach Bryan Collab
We must prepare for the fallout. This morning, Lana Del Rey teases Zach Bryan collab rumors on social media. Analysts predict a massive drop in global serotonin. We are raising our corporate threat level to "Muted Blue." This project will combine industrial-grade cigarette smoke with high-fructose corn whiskey. Our legal team must clear the rights to sadness itself.
The Melancholy Protocol
Staff must wear flannel shirts made of teardrops. Do not look directly at the acoustic guitars. "We expect a 400% increase in porch-staring," said Marcus Bellweather, Spotify's Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence. "Our algorithms cannot handle this much reverb. We are routing emergency bandwidth to our 'Crying in a F-150' playlist. This collab could break the national grid." The label hopes to capture the entire demographic of sad girls and the men who ignore them.
We must control the narrative. The public knows Lana Del Rey teases Zach Bryan collab details already. We must leak more rumors to soften the blow. Tell the press they recorded the track in an abandoned Waffle House. Claim the microphone was just an empty beer can. This keeps the aesthetic pure. We need to reach listeners of both Lana Del Rey and modern outlaw country.
Emergency Supply Distribution
Our marketing department will distribute official tissue boxes. Each box features a co-branded faded American flag. "The acoustic energy alone will wilt houseplants," warned Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome of the Institute for Trending Phenomena. "We advise citizens to secure their screen doors. Do not let the acoustic guitar fingerpicking enter your home." We agree with this assessment.
Please note your health insurance does not cover existential dread. If you feel the urge to buy a typewriter, contact HR immediately. We must survive this release cycle. If we succeed, we will buy three more horse ranches. If we fail, we will all have to listen to upbeat pop music. Nobody wants that.
Sincerely,
The Board of Directors (Currently staring at the rain through a window pane)
