TO: All Hardware and Ecosystem Teams
FROM: Office of the Chief Domestic Integration Officer
RE: The Launch of the Apple smart home Initiative
Team, on October 13, we will officially enter the consumer residence. This is not just another product launch. This is an occupation. We must dominate the Apple smart home market by making our hardware absolutely mandatory for survival. Our goal is simple. We want to charge a subscription fee for the air people breathe in their own dens.
Phase One: The Bathroom Lockout
"We must disable basic biological functions without a valid iCloud login," said Priya Vantablack, Chief Vibes Compliance Officer at TikTok, who consulted on our user retention strategy. "If a customer wants to flush their toilet, they should have to accept our updated Terms of Service. If they refuse, the lid remains locked. This is the future of the Apple smart home experience."
We will start shipping the HomePad hub next week. It features a microphone that never sleeps. It will monitor breathing patterns. It will detect if a user buys off-brand paper towels. If detected, the hub will beep at eighty decibels until they apologize.
Phase Two: Thermal Hostage Taking
"We have designed the thermostat to detect joy," said Lance Sterling, Vice President of Domestic Subjugation at Apple. "If the ambient room temperature is comfortable, the system will automatically lower it to fifty degrees. Users must pay ninety-nine cents via Apple Pay to restore heat for thirty minutes."
Please delete this memo after reading. We cannot let Bloomberg find out that our primary goal is to hold their families thermally hostage until they upgrade to the iPhone 17 Pro Max.
Sincerely,
The Smart Home Overlord Committee
