TO: All Cupertino Hardware Lead Engineers
FROM: Office of the Vice President of Screen Perfection
DATE: October 24, 2024
RE: Essential physical compromises on the upcoming foldable iPhone Ultra
Team, we must align our messaging immediately. Customers expect the foldable iPhone Ultra to feature a completely flat display when opened. However, our testing shows the center crease still resembles a miniature geological fault line. Do not panic. We will not fix this. Instead, we must convince users that a deep plastic groove is a premium tactile feature.
The Cardboard Compromise
"We explored adding a thin layer of structural cardboard to the hinge," said Marcus Vance, Director of Foldable Material Deflection at Apple Inc. "Sadly, the cardboard exceeded our strict 0.1-millimeter thickness budget. We had to scrap it. The foldable iPhone Ultra will ship with a screen that looks like a folded piece of construction paper. If users complain, tell them they are holding it wrong."
Engineers must reject any requests to include a screen-flattening tool in the box. A retail package containing a tiny plastic spatula would look cheap. We are a luxury brand. We expect users to flatten their screens using their own credit cards or kitchen rolling pins.
Managing Consumer Expectations
"Our latest research shows that consumers love friction," said Wren Adebayo-Kowalski, Head of Sincerity at OpenAI, who consulted on the device's tactile artificial intelligence. "The physical dip in the center of the screen actually slows down doomscrolling. It gives the thumb a moment to reflect on its life choices. It is not a defect. It is a mandatory speed bump for your digital wellness."
Please remember our ultimate goal for this launch. We do not want to build a durable product. We want to build a device so fragile that customers must buy three of them per fiscal year to keep our stock price rising. Do not let engineering pride get in the way of our next stock buyback program.
Sincerely,
The Management
