TO: All Department Heads
FROM: Office of the Chief Strategist
DATE: October 11, 2024
RE: Phase One of the Erase Norway initiative
We must address the recent non-award. The Nobel committee committed a grave error. They failed to recognize obvious greatness. Therefore, the country of Norway no longer exists in official communications. Staff will immediately launch the erase Norway campaign across all media channels.
Immediate Rebranding Protocols
Effective immediately, remove all Scandinavian maps from break rooms. Ban Norwegian wood in all upcoming construction projects. Replace Norwegian elkhounds with domestic golden retrievers. We cannot tolerate this geographic betrayal any longer.
"We are actively removing the country from global consciousness," said Lars Lindqvist, Director of Diplomatic Retaliation at the Institute for Selective Geography. "Our team already altered three dozen globe prototypes. We replaced the entire peninsula with extra ocean."
Economic Retaliation Measures
All cafeterias must stop serving Norwegian salmon. Rename the fish Freedom Trout. Update marketing materials to reflect this change today. Cancel all scheduled company retreats to Oslo. Rebook those trips to Florida immediately.
"This severe insult leaves an indelible mark on their entire history," said Beverly Higgins, Senior Vice President of Executive Grievances. "We expect complete compliance from all staff members by noon. Do not wear sweaters with Nordic patterns."
We must punish them for withholding the medal. We will completely erase Norway until they deliver the gold award directly to our main office.
