MEMORANDUM
TO: All Senior Executives, Apex Petroleum Corp.
FROM: Public Relations Task Force
RE: How to act sadder about record profits during upcoming media appearances.
HOUSTON— Team, we face a major crisis. Our quarterly earnings report showed an unprecedented $40 billion net gain. Unfortunately, cameras caught several board members doing high-fives in the parking lot. We must all act sadder about record profits immediately. The public is watching gas pumps. They cannot see us celebrating.
Mandatory Facial Expressions
Effective today, all executives must practice a somber look in the mirror for 20 minutes each morning. When reporters ask about high energy costs, do not smirk. Lower your gaze. Sigher deeply. Remember to mention geopolitical uncertainty with a grave tone. You can review basic grieving techniques on Wikipedia if you need assistance.
"We need our leadership team to look like they just lost a beloved family pet," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before and acting corporate communications advisor. "When you report double-digit margin growth, your shoulders should slump. Try to imagine a very tiny, tragic puppy."
Wardrobe and Staging Adjustments
Please stop wearing gold-trimmed Italian suits to press conferences. Wear dull gray jackets. Scuff your shoes intentionally. We want voters to think high prices hurt us too. If possible, bring an empty soup thermos to your next interview with NPR. It creates a powerful visual of shared sacrifice.
"I caught our CFO popping champagne last night," said Janet Holloway, Chief Morale Officer at Apex. "I snatched the bottle right out of his hands. I handed him an unseasoned turnip instead. We must maintain discipline."
In conclusion, keep your head down. Hide the jet ski brochures. We will distribute bonus checks in dark envelopes behind the refinery. At press time, three vice presidents were seen weeping into silk handkerchiefs to practice for the evening news.
