SAN FRANCISCO—Transcripts released Tuesday from federal antitrust proceedings revealed that an OpenAI executive openly admitted under oath that the recent OpenAI funding target cut reflects a broader industry realization that spent capital produces zero tangible value.
Q: Please state your full name and occupation for the record.
A: My name is Arthur Vance. I serve as Chief Revenue Ignorer at NeuralVentures Capital.
Q: Mr. Vance, why did your firm support the sudden OpenAI funding target cut by $10 billion?
A: We noticed a slight efficiency problem. We spent $50 billion to make a computer construct a mediocre sentence. We realized we could hire an unpaid intern to do that for six dollars and a cold bagel.
Q: So the technology does not generate actual revenue?
A: Heavens, no. We burn cash to generate heat. The heat warms our server racks. The server racks print complex charts. We show those charts to Saudi princes. The princes give us more cash. It is a closed-loop ecosystem.
Q: Did you honestly believe artificial intelligence would replace human labor?
A: We believed the press releases that we wrote ourselves. Then we asked the chatbot to calculate basic algebra. It told us seven times nine was 'pineapple.' That was a red flag for our risk assessment team.
Q: Yet you raised billions of dollars anyway?
A: Yes. We used buzzwords. We said 'transformative architecture' sixty times a day. We told investors that electricity was obsolete. People just handed us their retirement funds.
Q: Is it true that the entire sector is adjusting targets?
A: Indeed. Every major firm accepted the OpenAI funding target cut as a signal. We all agreed to lose slightly less money on digital magic tricks this quarter.
Q: So the entire AI economy is a speculative bubble?
A: I prefer the term 'involuntary wealth redistribution to Nvidia.' But yes. We built a machine that synthesizes corporate jargon. Now we cannot afford the power bill to turn it off.
