TO: Cupertino Hardware Engineering Team
FROM: Deirdre O’Connell, Executive Vice President of Premature Product Hype
DATE: October 24, 2024
RE: Leaked Geekbench listings for the unreleased M6 Pro chip
Team, we must address the recent benchmark leaks immediately. Several tech blogs recently posted incredible performance scores for our upcoming silicon. Unfortunately, our database shows these tests originated from a smart toaster in the cafeteria. You must stop sideloading macOS onto kitchen appliances to boost our stock price.
Enforce Strict Testing Protocols
"We love enthusiasm, but the M6 Pro chip does not have 128 cores," said Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs, who we hired to audit your desks. "It also cannot run on white bread. These fake scores are making our actual, highly incremental upgrades look bad. We need you to focus on minor speed bumps."
Please remember that our marketing strategy relies on slow, calculated progress. If the public thinks the M6 Pro chip can calculate the meaning of life, they will not buy next year's model. We need you to delete all benchmarking apps from any device that is not actively connected to a keyboard. This includes the smart fridge in the lobby and the automated lobby turnstiles.
Maintain the Illusion of Progress
Our partners at Apple expect us to maintain a steady cadence of hype. If we release the actual specifications now, we will have nothing to announce at our spring event. Please redirect your energy toward designing a slightly different shade of gray for the aluminum chassis.
Sincerely, Deirdre. (P.S. Whoever successfully got Doom to run on the office espresso machine using the M6 Pro chip architecture, please report to my office for a promotion before we fire you.)
