WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Consumer Product Safety Commission announced a mandatory recall today of Mac Miller's The Divine Feminine 10th-anniversary reissue due to hazardous sonic frequencies. The agency received over 400 reports of consumers weeping openly in public spaces. The newly unreleased songs contain a high density of soft rhodes pianos. These instruments cause sudden, uncontrollable bouts of emotional vulnerability in adult males.
Hazard Level: Extreme Sincerity
Federal inspectors flagged the Mac Miller reissue after a spike in unauthorized text messages to ex-partners. "We tested the vinyl reissue in a controlled lab," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "The combination of Anderson .Paak's drumming and Miller's raspy singing voice bypassed standard human emotional defenses. It caused three of our burliest technicians to discuss their childhood fears."
The recall affects all physical and digital formats of the Mac Miller reissue. Regulators warned that track four, featuring lush orchestral arrangements, presents a choking hazard. This occurs when listeners get a sudden lump in their throat. Warner Records has agreed to halt distribution of the physical box sets immediately.
Remedy and Replacement
"We advise all citizens to stop listening to this Mac Miller reissue immediately," stated Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected. "If you have been exposed to these unreleased songs, please listen to aggressive, emotionless trap music for at least forty minutes to restore your natural emotional callus."
Consumers may return their copy of the Mac Miller reissue to Warner Records for a full refund. The label will replace the emotional tracks with a safe, sterilized white-noise loop of a dial-up modem. At press time, federal agents were actively confiscating copies of the album from crying college students who insisted they were 'just vibing.'
