TO: All Staff Campaign Coordinators
FROM: The Desk of the Chief Political Strategist
RE: Post-Ruling Emergency Strategy for Mail Ballot Restrictions
Team, we must pivot immediately. The Supreme Court officially rejected our request for sweeping mail ballot restrictions today. This ruling disrupts our entire timeline. We cannot legally block the postal service from delivering ballots. We must find other ways to slow down the process before the midterm elections.
Phase One: Creative Infrastructure Obstruction
"We cannot lock the mailboxes, so we must make them physically unappealing," said Janet Holloway, Deputy Director of the Bureau of Things That Shouldn't Exist. Holloway suggests greasing the handles of all public mailboxes with expired bacon fat. "If voters cannot grip the handle, they cannot insert the envelope," Holloway added. We expect this tactic to reduce local voter turnout by at least twelve percent in key districts.
Our logistics team already ordered four thousand gallons of lard. Please distribute these buckets to your regional volunteers tonight. We must protect our interests. The defeat of our mail ballot restrictions means we have to work twice as hard.
Phase Two: Confuse the Mail Carriers
Furthermore, we must target the delivery process itself. The United_States_Postal_Service employs very dedicated workers. We cannot bribe them. However, we can confuse them. We will release three thousand identical golden retrievers into the suburbs. These dogs will not bite. They will simply look at the carriers with deep, emotional sadness.
"A sad dog is a major logistical delay," said Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena. "No human can walk past an emotionally needy golden retriever without stopping for a five-minute belly rub." This strategy will delay mail delivery by several crucial days. Our legal team assures us that releasing friendly dogs is entirely constitutional.
Please remember to delete this email after reading. We must maintain the public illusion that we actually wanted people to vote. If the media asks, we are deeply committed to democracy.
