TO: All Regional Managers, Whole Foods Southeast Division
FROM: Brenda Vance, Director of Artisanal Nicotine Alignment
RE: Emergency Stocking Protocol for the Marlboro Vinyasa lifestyle shift
ATLANTA—Please review these urgent instructions immediately. Over the last 48 hours, our stores experienced an unprecedented surge in customers demanding organic mud for ash disposal. This sudden consumer shift directly follows the release of the new single Willi Carlisle – "Marlboro Vinyasa." Our supply chain cannot support this sudden crossover between chain-smokers and yoga enthusiasts.
The Downward Dog Dilemma
"We saw a 400% spike in yoga mat sales today," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "Unfortunately, the customers immediately burned holes in the synthetic rubber with their filterless reds. The industry simply was not prepared for the Marlboro Vinyasa movement." Flense recommends stocking fireproof hemp mats in all southern locations by Friday.
Furthermore, please relocate all lighter fluid next to the cold-pressed green juices. Customers are demanding to drink kale smoothies while smelling like a bowling alley in 1994. Carlisle's new track, produced by Tyler Childers, has convinced thousands of suburban dads that coughing fitfully during a sun salutation is a spiritual breakthrough.
Scented Tobacco Aromatherapy
"Our customer base no longer wants lavender essential oils," said Marcus Bellweather, Whole Foods' Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence. "They want the Marlboro Vinyasa experience. We are currently trying to synthesize a candle that smells like a damp basement and cheap menthols."
Please instruct your cashiers to stop calling the police when shoppers light up in the hot bar area. We must accommodate this new demographic of mindful truck drivers. If we do not act fast, Trader Joe's will capture the entire market with a generic brand of spiritual nicotine patches.
Signed,
Brenda Vance
(Dictated but not read while trying to inhale smoke through a copper straw)
