WASHINGTON—The Consumer Product Safety Commission issued an urgent recall today for the new Mastodon album, warning that the heavy frequencies on the release present an immediate structural hazard. Federal regulators determined that the Mastodon album recall is necessary after low-end frequencies from the track 'Marrow Deep' caused several infrastructure failures during commute hours.
Severe Resonance Hazard
The regulatory agency flagged all physical and digital formats of the record. According to official reports, the opening bass riff generates a sustained 12-hertz tone. This tone matches the resonant frequency of standard highway concrete. "We observed immediate structural fatigue within three seconds of the first chorus," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "This Mastodon album recall is the only way to prevent total municipal collapse."
Affected Units and Hazards
The recall affects all vinyl pressings, compact discs, and high-fidelity streams of the album. Authorities advise consumers to mute their subwoofers immediately. "The band went too far this time," said Arthur Pendelton, Chief of Acoustic Safety at the Department of Transportation. "We love sludge metal. However, we cannot allow sludge metal to liquify our overpasses."
Remedy and Compensation
Citizens who purchased the record should deposit it into a sand-filled containment bucket. The government offers a digital download of a quiet acoustic podcast as a replacement. At press time, regulators warned that playing the record through a car stereo would immediately void the vehicle's structural warranty.
