WASHINGTON— The Consumer Product Safety Commission issued an urgent product recall notice on Tuesday regarding relitigating political primaries. Federal inspectors determined that repeating arguments from past political races poses a severe risk of conversational necrosis to innocent bystanders.
Hazard Identification And Scope
According to official documents, the practice of relitigating political primaries affects approximately 330 million American units. The hazard typically manifests during routine campaign unity events. Users attempt to re-argue defeated platforms. This creates a volatile feedback loop of unsolicited commentary.
"We have identified a dangerous pattern of secondary exposure," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "Consumers think they are engaging in healthy political debate. In reality, they are leaking toxic grievances into localized airspaces. We urge everyone to step away from the podium."
Affected Models And Symptoms
The recall covers all models of primary relitigation manufactured between 2016 and the present. Common symptoms of exposure include eye-rolling, spontaneous heavy sighing, and the immediate urge to change the subject to the local weather. In severe cases, victims reported being trapped in a coffee shop for over forty minutes.
"We tested several political surrogates in controlled laboratory settings," said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected. "Every single unit exposed to old primary arguments suffered complete conversational degradation within three minutes."
Remedy And Disposal Instructions
Regulators urge all politicians and commentators to immediately cease relitigating political primaries. Owners should safely dispose of old campaign slogans in designated hazardous waste facilities. The Federal Election Commission recommends replacing old arguments with silence.
At press time, federal agents were actively confiscating several 2016 primary flyers from a local man's basement.
