TO: All Astralwerks Compliance Staff
FROM: Brenda Vane, VP of Sonic Liability
DATE: October 24, 2023
RE: Safety protocols for the new Avalanches album
We must address the upcoming LP No Bad Memories. The album features a collaboration between avant-metal vocalist Mike Patton and actor Haley Joel Osment. Initial mixes of the track 'Sixth Sense of Rhythm' have caused mild vertigo in our testing focus groups. We are legally required to issue a waiver to all listeners before they stream the new Avalanches album on any digital service.
Sonic Hazards Identified
"Mr. Patton recorded his vocals by screaming directly into a copper pipe stuffed with dry ice," said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected. "Meanwhile, Mr. Osment softly read the ingredients of a Campbell's soup can into a vintage ribbon microphone. The contrast is biologically hostile to the human ear."
Staff must ensure that Spotify implements a mandatory double-opt-in pop-up. Listeners must agree not to sue Astralwerks if Patton's screeching causes their dental fillings to vibrate loose during the chorus. This is standard procedure for any project involving the Faith No More frontman.
The Osment Clause
"We originally hired Haley Joel Osment to provide nostalgic warmth," said Marcus Bellweather, Astralwerks Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence. "Instead, Patton convinced him to make wet clicking noises with his tongue for six minutes. We cannot release this new Avalanches album without a disclaimer. If a listener hears dead people, we are liable."
Please execute the attached nondisclosure agreements immediately. We must hide the fact that we spent our entire quarterly budget on a field recording of Patton eating a live cicada.
