WASHINGTON—The Consumer Product Safety Commission issued a mandatory recall today for several Fontaines D.C. new albums shipped to major music retailers this week. Federal inspectors determined the records contain unsafe levels of atmospheric gloom. Prolonged exposure causes immediate posture loss and unprovoked staring at rain-streaked windows.
Hazard Identification and Affected Units
The hazard primary involves vinyl and digital formats of recent releases. Agency tests revealed the audio frequencies induce severe, unexplained longing for industrial harbor towns. Affected units include all vinyl pressings, streaming files, and cassette tapes distributed since Tuesday. Consumers should stop listening immediately.
"The basslines lack basic structural integrity," said Priya Vantablack, Chief Vibes Compliance Officer at TikTok. "We tested the audio in a controlled laboratory setting. Within three minutes, two technicians began wearing oversized trench coats inside. That violates basic federal safety codes."
Remedy and Manufacturer Guidance
Regulators advise consumers to replace the affected pressings with upbeat pop tracks immediately. Retailers must remove the Avalanches catalog from store shelves as a precaution. That record allegedly contains infectious disco loops that force listeners to nod rhythmically against their will.
"We cannot allow these Fontaines D.C. new albums to circulate without proper warning labels," stated CPSC Director Marcus Vance. "If left unchecked, nationwide productivity could plummet by 40 percent. Entire offices will sit in quiet contemplation."
Consumers seeking a full refund should return their physical copies to the point of purchase. At press time, federal agents were seen disposing of affected vinyl shipments inside an airtight, underground pop-music bunker.
