TO: All Regional Fleet Captains
FROM: Marcus Vance, Senior Vice President of Spatial Compromise, Global Freight Solutions
RE: Bypassing ocean freight congestion through local retail locations
We must address the ongoing ocean freight congestion immediately. Hostile forces have blocked traditional waterways. Standard shipping lanes remain entirely compromised. Our vessels cannot navigate the Red Sea safely. Therefore, we will route all Class-A container ships through the Target on Elm Street. This strategy begins Tuesday at dawn.
Navigating the Home Goods Section
Captain Lucinda Okonkwo-Bright, Director of Forward-Looking Regret at Meta, approved this plan. We must maintain global trade velocities. You will steer the 150,000-ton cargo vessels past the sliding glass doors. Watch your clearance heights near the pharmacy. We expect minor friction near the self-checkout lanes. The Federal Maritime Commission has not yet approved this path. However, we cannot let ocean freight congestion halt our fourth-quarter bonuses.
First mates must clear the aisles of shoppers. Do not blow the ship horn in the baby formula section. It scares the local toddlers. If you hit a display of seasonal candles, do not stop. We will settle the damages with Target corporate later.
Overcoming Stationary Obstacles
"We tried to steer around a red spherical bollard," said Captain Donald Vance, a veteran container pilot. "The ship got wedged between the dollar spot and the registers. We lost three crew members to the Starbucks cafe."
Please note that Starbucks purchases remain non-reimbursable. We must bypass this ocean freight congestion to deliver plastic toys on time. If your vessel runs aground on a linoleum floor, call towing services immediately.
Sincerely,
The Logistics Committee
Dictated but not read while boarding our escape helicopter to Switzerland.
