WASHINGTON—The Consumer Product Safety Commission issued an immediate recall today for the newly released Olivia Rodrigo Baja Blast beverage after thousands of Gen Z consumers reported experiencing vivid, unearned memories of high school drama from the year 2004.
Severe Nostalgia Hazard
The safety notice targets all sizes of the "You Seem Pretty Pink for a Baja Blast" flavor sold at Taco Bell locations. "We identified a major chemical imbalance in the syrup," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "Drinking even three sips of the Olivia Rodrigo Baja Blast forces the brain to process intense feelings about a boyfriend who did not buy you a corsage at a suburban Ohio prom twenty years ago."
Regulators confirmed that over 4,000 teenagers who drank the Olivia Rodrigo Baja Blast suddenly began crying in their cars to acoustic guitar music. Most victims were not even alive in 2004. Taco Bell has paused sales of the pink drink nationwide pending a formulation overhaul.
Remedy and Action Plan
"We are advising all citizens to pour the pink liquid directly into the grass," Flense added. "Do not look at pictures of your ex while holding the cup. The emotional feedback loop is too strong for the human nervous system."
At press time, federal agents reported that several hundred victims had already purchased low-rise jeans and were refusing to leave their bedrooms.
