TO: All Regional Retail Coordinators
FROM: Agnes Periwinkle, Head of Audience Sedation at Live Nation
DATE: October 24, 2023
RE: The unauthorized distribution of the new Olivia Rodrigo CD single
We must address the containment breach in Tustin, California. A local outlet, Analog Music Shop, received 500 physical copies of a new track. This Olivia Rodrigo CD single, titled 'Serena Joy,' sold out in under four minutes. This represents a severe threat to our digital-only ecosystem. Our current business model relies entirely on users never owning anything.
Immediate Quarantine Protocols
Do not allow customers to touch shiny plastic discs. These objects contain high-fidelity audio. They do not require a monthly subscription. "We cannot track their eyeballs when they listen to a physical disc," said Lucinda Okonkwo-Bright, Director of Forward-Looking Regret at Meta. "If a teenager can play a song without looking at a targeted ad for car insurance, the entire modern economy collapses." We must locate the remaining stock immediately.
We are deploying field agents to Tustin. They will offer frustrated fans a digital download code instead of the Olivia Rodrigo CD single. The code will expire in forty-eight hours. It will also require access to their contact list and location data.
Preventative Re-Education
Instruct all retail staff to tell customers that compact discs cause finger joint inflammation. We must steer the public back to our official Geffen Records streaming portals. Physical ownership breeds dangerous feelings of independence. We need passive consumers, not active collectors.
If you see anyone holding a jewel case, do not engage. Call the corporate helpline immediately. We have already dispatched a specialized team to buy the remaining inventory of the Olivia Rodrigo CD single from eBay scalpers at a 4000% markup to ensure they remain out of public hands.
