Music
Liz Phair & Sleater-Kinney Announce Co-Headline Tour, Causing Existential Crises
Liz Phair & Sleater-Kinney Announce Co-Headline Tour, creating profound existential crises among fans struggling to reconcile their distinct ’90s sounds.
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Music
Accept Unleashes *Teutonic Titans 1976-2026* with Unprecedented 50 Guests
German heavy metal veterans Accept announced *Teutonic Titans 1976-2026*, a remakes album featuring 50 guest musicians.
World
Paragon Ignores Italian Spyware Probe, Cites ‘Very Busy Being A Spyware Company’
Paragon, a spyware maker, is reportedly not cooperating with Italian authorities probing spyware attacks, citing being ‘too busy’.
Music
Alex G Shares Headlights Outtake; Fans Ask “Which Headlights?”
Alex G’s new outtake “Good Green Friend” from Headlights sparks fan confusion over car lights.
Music
Metallica Prepares Fully Loaded ‘ReLoad’ Box Set To Rehash Old Riffs
Metallica’s fully loaded ‘ReLoad’ box set reissue drops this summer, offering more of the same. It’s a trip down memory lane, if the memory lane is paved with outtakes.
Music
TURNSPIT’s ‘Do I Know You?’ Single Sparks Widespread Existential Crisis
TURNSPIT’s new single ‘Do I Know You?’ has caused widespread amnesia. Listeners are forgetting basic facts about themselves.
Music
Ariana Grande’s New Album ‘petal’ to Feature Only Sounds of Her Own Exhalations
Ariana Grande’s new album ‘petal’ features only her exhalations. Fans are calling it ‘revolutionary’ and ‘remarkably airy.’
Music
Megan Thee Stallion Cuts ‘Moulin Rouge!’ Run Short, Cites Urgent Need for New Boot Collection
Megan Thee Stallion is leaving Broadway’s ‘Moulin Rouge!’ early to focus on her boot empire. Fans are supportive.
Music
Lady Gaga and Doechii Turn Dancefloor into Actual Runway
Lady Gaga and Doechii’s new music video for ‘Devil Wears Prada 2’ features a dancefloor transformed into an actual runway, complete with synchronized walking.
Music
Taylor Swift Trademarks Voice, Image Amid Deepfake Panic
Taylor Swift trademarks voice and image amid AI deepfake fears. She protects her name and likeness from unauthorized AI use.
Technology
OpenAI Phone Promises AI Agents Will Replace All Your Annoying Apps
OpenAI’s rumored phone will replace apps with AI agents, promising seamless interaction and existential convenience.
Music
Hurry Announces ‘Zoned Out’ Album, Band Reportedly Now Permanently Distracted
Hurry announces new album ‘Zoned Out.’ Band members embrace method acting by being perpetually distracted.
Technology
Google’s Gemini ‘Proactive Assistance’ Promises to Annoy You Before You Ask
Google’s Gemini ‘Proactive Assistance’ will offer unsolicited AI help, potentially leading to more interruptions than actual assistance.
Music
Glaive & Kurtains Drop New Album, Promise Existential Dread
Glaive and Kurtains announce new album ‘God Save The Three,’ promising fans a cathartic, loud, and possibly painful listening experience.
Music
Olivia Rodrigo Lands Fourth #1 Hit, Credits Nine Inch Nails
Olivia Rodrigo’s fourth #1 hit, “Drop Dead Gorgeous,” was inspired by Nine Inch Nails and a clean conscience.
Music
Madonna’s ‘Club Confessions’ Dance Party Proves Dance Floor Still Exists
Madonna’s ‘Club Confessions’ dance party featured unreleased music and a shocking lack of phone use. A true digital detox.
Music
Putin Pledges Support for Iran, Offers Moral Backing for ‘Whatever’
Putin pledges support for Iran, promising “existential” and “vague” solidarity. The Kremlin offered moral backing for ‘whatever,’ including shared feelings.
Music
Supreme Court Declares Cell Location Data ‘Just Kinda Out There’ For Cops
The Supreme Court struggled with police cell location data, with justices admitting confusion and one asking if ‘digital fences’ could deter squirrels.