WASHINGTON—The Consumer Product Safety Commission announced a mandatory recall today of the latest Phoebe Bridgers collaboration due to severe auditory risks. The track features Justin Broadrick of the industrial metal band Godflesh. Regulators determined the song violates federal decibel limits. It also violates basic emotional safety standards.
Hazard Classification: Doom and Sadness
Government testers found that the Phoebe Bridgers collaboration emits a frequency that causes immediate, uncontrollable weeping. The song combines Bridgers' soft indie-folk whispers with Broadrick's crushing mechanical guitar riffs. "We tested this track on heavy machinery operators," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "They immediately parked their bulldozers. Then they stared into the middle distance for three hours. It is a major productivity hazard."
The affected units include all digital streams, vinyl pressings, and illegal bootlegs of the upcoming song. Consumers must delete the track from their Spotify queues immediately. The government warns that listening with headphones may cause permanent ego death.
Affected Batches and Remedies
The commission ordered the record label to halt distribution of this specific Phoebe Bridgers collaboration. "We are urging the public to return to safer, more predictable sadness," said federal safety inspector Brenda Vance. "Please listen to early Coldplay instead. That is a regulated, non-toxic level of melancholy."
At press time, federal agents were seen wearing heavy industrial ear protection while attempting to safely bury the master tapes in a concrete silo in Nevada.
