VENICE— Phoebe Bridgers film debut in Lance Oppenheim's new project Primetime has emotional security guards weeping openly at the Venice Film Festival. Festival staff reported a 400 percent increase in damp blazers following the premiere. Bridgers also contributed a devastating new song to the end credits of the movie.
A Cinematic Sob Fest
Festival organizers confirmed that the Phoebe Bridgers film debut caused unprecedented emotional wreckage. Security detail members, known for their stoic expressions, broke down during the screening. They reportedly held each other during her brief three-minute on-screen appearance.
"I have protected international dignitaries for twenty years," said Marco Moretti, Head of Red Carpet Emotional Containment. "But when she looked slightly sad near a vending machine, I sobbed into my walkie-talkie. It was a beautiful, devastating disaster."
The End Credits Trauma
The tragedy deepened when the credits rolled. Audiences refused to leave their velvet seats as the new acoustic track began. The song features Bridgers whispering over a single, out-of-tune autoharp. The track reportedly details the grief of losing a library card in 2014.
"We are seeing unprecedented levels of voluntary dehydration," said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected. "Our data shows that the Phoebe Bridgers film debut activates the same brain receptors as looking at a wet cardboard box on a rainy Tuesday."
At press time, festival janitors were squeegeeing thirty gallons of high-class Italian tears out of the main theater before the next screening of a comedy.
