WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Consumer Ear Canal Safety Commission issued a federal recall today for the latest Pitchfork Selects playlist. Regulators flagged the product after thousands of listeners reported symptoms of severe hipster fatigue. Investigators traced the hazard directly to the inclusion of a highly unstable Wednesday remix. The remix reportedly contains dangerous levels of unearned confidence and distorted bass.
Hazard Level: Critical
Officials urge users to immediately delete the The Weeknd tracks featured in the lineup. The curation process failed to filter out a toxic concentration of ambient synthesizer noise. 'We observed a 400 percent spike in involuntary eye-rolling,' said Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena. 'The specific sequence of the Wednesday remix followed by experimental jazz caused acute inner-ear snobbery in test subjects.'
Affected units include all digital streams of the Pitchfork Selects playlist accessed between Tuesday morning and Friday afternoon. Consumers who downloaded the tracks experienced sudden urges to purchase oversized canvas tote bags. Some victims even attempted to explain vinyl pressing weights to unwilling family members.
Remedy and Action Plan
The commission advises a strict remedy for those exposed to the Wednesday remix. Affected listeners must immediately play three consecutive top-40 pop hits. This action resets the brain's critical judgment centers. 'We are cooperating fully with federal regulators,' said a spokesperson for the editorial board. 'We never intended for our taste to physically harm the public.'
At press time, the commission is investigating whether the Pitchfork Selects playlist also caused a localized shortage of natural wine and corduroy jackets.
